Stuttering

Either aphasic or lost for words.

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Closure My Ass

How can you forget someone who used to mean so much? I always asked myself such ever since. Considering the few number of people who touched my heart. I even wonder why I let an asshole see through me. Or why I even let a whore-scumbag-lying pig affected me. I'm not the "hating" kind. A little bitter but not hating. Such emotion musn't be kept by someone whose heart resonates fragility on a single tap caused by a drop of tear. But what can I do to close the door left open by an ugly past?

Someone told me that in order to move on, you need closure. But that seemed impossible on my part because of the hanging questions rather left unanswered by someone who denied me the truth.

Yes there are still few moments when I lay myself on the comfort of my bed that I started to realize what happened. What could have been and why did it all happen. 

And I thought, unreciprocated affection, though not the primary, was only one of the reason why it didn't workout. What had happened was a warning shot. That it was the other person's inability to find contentment that must brought forward. If such was already written on one's bone and flows through one's blood; then no one, not even me, could settle a husting heart. That we may pass that one through but problems of loyalty and trust would re-surface in the future.

In the end, maybe the "closure" that I was looking for was already in me. To know that I deserve something better. To choose happiness and not let unnecessary stressors ruin my life. To let go of the things not meant to be. To let those culprit who were guilty of misconduct in love such as cheating and dishonesty must be let go alone and let them rot in their own pool of karma. 

Not that I'm bragging, but I dont think it was my loss afterall. Come to think of it, I have been through all of this even before, and I never lost hope of being and getting better than I was. 

And I'm still not giving up on love either.


Lapse

Dearest self,

If you're able to read this then I'm sure you're on the moment where you want to learn something to make your heart still. And this, as far as what I've remembered, came at the right time. 

If my guess is right, you are/might/could be on the verge of breaking down from the circumstances you've been through, the anxiety due to upcoming changes, the paradigm shifts and the acceptance of roles. 

Your heart blends black and red. And the pain you feel already makes you numb. Like a boy stabbed, dying of hypovelemia yet you feel no pain on the punctured site.

And I know there are no words that could comfort you now. And how I wish I could send you my hugs right away. But all I can do is to let you feel everything and hope that you'll never let your soul die inside as what I did in the past. Remember that those are just temporary feelings, just like those temporary people who made you feel that way. That those are just temporary fears that you'd soon overcome once you've gain the courage to pass that all through. That you're not lost but only with clouded visions brought by the tears in your eyes. 

I'm not saying that you disregard whatever you're feeling right now. Those are real. But that doesn't mean they're permanent. Yes, they'll last long. But not long enough to prevent you from kicking back up and regain the phase you have in your life. 

If only I could bring you here. So that you'd realize how beautiful your life would have been. How things in the past made sense for this future. The struggle, the hardwork, the perseverance to continue despite the dirt and the mud dragging you down was worth it. 

But for now, do me a favor. Do not give up. I am letting you succumb into your own sadness and drown in your own misery knowing that there's no one else can help you right now, but when that day comes when you felt like you've missed the warmth of laughter and the sweetness of smiles and happiness, grab that chance and free yourself from the despair you've let yourself into you. 

Do not be easily swayed or affected. Stay strong. Life is just a maze waiting to decipehered. Everything will be fine soon. I promise. Believe me. Believe in yourself. 


Sending you my warmest hug and sweetest smile. :)


Love, 
Your Self (from few years in the future). 

Blizzard

It was the silence. The subtlety of the ambience that we had I prefer the most. The comfortable stillness that we portray as if our time just stopped and our moment is being preserved in an ice case. Literally frozen in time. Yet the mumblings that occupy the coffeeshop where we are persisted though we barely noticed it. 

"Do you believe in karma?" I asked, hoping to break the ice. 

"Hmmm. Yes."

"How about in forever? Or best friend? Or heaven?"

"You're overthinking again."

"Hmmm. Maybe." I said. "..but these are the concepts that I wanted to believe but never had enough proof to make me believe that they exist.."

"Forever may or may not exist. But let's try to enjoy what we have right now.."

"Hmmm.. Yeah."

At that point, the fear seeped within upon hearing the phrase I usually throw away when uncertainty of the future is palpable. That the dubiety of our future was laid in front of me. And I let my thoughts coast away, regretting that I made you speak and hear words I never expected to hear.

Then the silence continued in your room filled with monochrome and symmetrical patterns as I watch you move around in circles. I wonder about the thoughts in your mind right now as I stare at the blue sky peeking through your window. The weather was great, and the sun was shining through with the white streaks of clouds across the horizon. Yet the turmoil inside me was condensing into a storm that would soon shake the paradise I once believed true.

You then kissed me goodbye with a relief before we stepped out of the door. I wonder whether such is a good thing or a bad thing that finally, I am on my way to a greater distance again. 

And the beautiful silence I used to listen became the weapon that brought us apart. That your muteness on things which is significant to keep the solid foundation of the mountain we're trying to climb was the reason why we avalanched downwards. Your preference of solitariness and elusion to deal matters on hand may have made you pass through the storm but left a great consequence on the elysium I was trying to reach.


It was silence from the beginning and up until the end. Now you got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose.

Fault

I decided to watch The Fault In Our Stars on its first day. Since it was unplanned and was decided on the last minute after I had my workout, the seat I bought (and the only best choice I had) was along the isle and beside two barely teen girls who'd been squirming and making that irritating "kilig" sound everytime the two characters had their moments.

They musn't have seen Divergent for them to react in such way and I'm ecstatic to savour their precious reactions once their hearts are broken upon seeing the roles those two will have on Insurgent and Allegiant. 

Going back, the cinema was almost full as expected because the movie houses alotted only one cinema for the screening thanks to Cruise and Jolie's films; and which is fine for me for it means only few people, other than those who've read the book, would see the film out of curiosity and learn the fuss about fault. 

I assume that above 90% of the people at the cinema have read the book and knew that <SPOILER ALERT>"that" person will die in the end. We were just a little masochist to see it in film after reading death word by word. And the sadist inside us was satisfied to see tears and feel the pain of being the one left behind.

In all fairness to the actors at the movie, they've given their roles some justice. Though I am not a fan of Hazel's husky voice, she is still an eye candy for me as she rocks that short hair cut (which btw is my measurement of beauty). Her mom's acting on the other hand was indeed commendable. She never failed to make me tear a little. Waters was surprisingly pleasurable to the eye. For he looked like a college jock minus a leg rather than a thin, trying-to-be-cool unattractive guy I've had in my mind based on the book.

The plot was better than what I had on mind. The sequencing and their usage of the book's memorable lines was crisp and well tailored. Soundtrack was appetizing to my ears. The movie adaptation suited what I had in my mind when I was reading the book itself. 

The book represented how selfless, hopeful, positive, and different love can be. The sacrifices we make; the choices we do; and how we change our own perspective to compromise with the ones we love. That regardless of the limits presented even by death itself, a love when deeply rooted from similarities and differences; of conflicts and mutual undersandings; of selflessness and self-gratification; will never be worn out easily or even fade out.

Awake

To tell you honestly. I don't know what to feel anymore. I am not sure if I was just denying the feeling or I am already numb. 

As days go by, I'm starting to regain the respect and the love I've deprived to myself for you. Though I've decided to expect your worse, I was still disappointed everytime you meet my expectations. No matter how much I braced myself for the impact, the aftermath was still palpable and throbbing across my chest. 

I'm starting to feel that I deserve something or someone better. And that's the feeling I do not want you to elicit in me. But considering your acts, you're near success doing such. Don't get me wrong, because I do believe I did my part. I've compromised in every way I can, considered your behalf whenever I plan ahead for the coming days. Always chosing what's beneficial for the both of us. Something I've never felt that you did.

But for now, I still choose to stay. Just to satisfy, once again, the masochist in me. I do think that this is a fair deal, for I chose to stay before; despite the barely good things you've presented. And I'm still chosing to stay despite the emotional burden you're inflicting to me now. Least up until I get tired as I'm slowly losing my grip. 

I just need to accept some things I cannot change.