Stuttering

Either aphasic or lost for words.

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It's by knowing that I don't have much that I always humble myself enough. Sometimes too much, that I rather bow within a prime crowd of a-listers and upper crusts. That I enjoy simpler things in life and small bites of laughters and smiles that makes my heart swell with happiness.

It's by knowing that I am below average looking guy that I rather not look too much on the physicals. I walk looking at my feet and at the plaid paveway I am walking at. For I know that diamonds are usually covered by mud and stones. And it takes someone great to muster a beauty hidden within the pretensions and grandiosities.

It's by knowing how it feels like to be mistreated and pushed over that I rather stay passive and kind to avoid hurting someone. Knowing that I am sensitive to what others might feel only proves that one good heart could jumpstart a part of our losing humanity.

It's by knowing how it feels like to be the guy being left behind that it pains me to say goodbye. That "leaving" marks an inpalpable but deep hollow grave within. Too deep that you felt it in your soul, yet shallow enough not to be shared with someone else. 

I looked within. And spread the love out.

Addict

I am in ecstacy. I'm in fetal rolling freely in space. With colors gleaming and seducing my eyes. I feel your lips on mine. Your hand in my heart. I feel the heat spreading within. And I remember the past. The church. The catching game of stealing glances. The first "Hi" and the smile. I see the present. My career and its impending change, the twist. And glimpse of the future. Of the places I'll be going to. Of foreign landmarks and temples. Of statues an views. And I saw you. Looking at me on a land stranger to me. 

I consumed myself in at the euphoria brought by your love. Too much that I am always running away from the responsibility of my daily living. Too much that I started not totally caring any more. For the treasure everyone had been seeking for their own landed on me in a very Godly way.

Now I'm worried about the plateau. The regression of the intensity caused by the friction of our chemistry. The post-climax. The  recession of that feverish obsession. What would I do, when the star of my galaxy loses its heat and twinkle?

I opened my eyes and took another shot. Then I am with you. On that night you showed up even after saying goodbye.

Closure My Ass

How can you forget someone who used to mean so much? I always asked myself such ever since. Considering the few number of people who touched my heart. I even wonder why I let an asshole see through me. Or why I even let a whore-scumbag-lying pig affected me. I'm not the "hating" kind. A little bitter but not hating. Such emotion musn't be kept by someone whose heart resonates fragility on a single tap caused by a drop of tear. But what can I do to close the door left open by an ugly past?

Someone told me that in order to move on, you need closure. But that seemed impossible on my part because of the hanging questions rather left unanswered by someone who denied me the truth.

Yes there are still few moments when I lay myself on the comfort of my bed that I started to realize what happened. What could have been and why did it all happen. 

And I thought, unreciprocated affection, though not the primary, was only one of the reason why it didn't workout. What had happened was a warning shot. That it was the other person's inability to find contentment that must be brought forward. If such was already written on one's bone and flows through one's blood; then no one, not even me, could settle a husting heart. That we may pass that one through but problems of loyalty and trust would re-surface in the future.

In the end, maybe the "closure" that I was looking for was already in me. To know that I deserve something better. To choose happiness and not let unnecessary stressors ruin my life. To let go of the things not meant to be. To let those culprit who were guilty of misconduct in love such as cheating and dishonesty must be let go alone and let them rot in their own pool of karma. 

Not that I'm bragging, but I dont think it was my loss afterall. Come to think of it, I have been through all of this even before, and I never lost hope of being and getting better than I was. 

And I'm still not giving up on love either.


Lapse

Dearest self,

If you're able to read this then I'm sure you're on the moment where you want to learn something to make your heart still. And this, as far as what I've remembered, came at the right time. 

If my guess is right, you are/might/could be on the verge of breaking down from the circumstances you've been through, the anxiety due to upcoming changes, the paradigm shifts and the acceptance of roles. 

Your heart blends black and red. And the pain you feel already makes you numb. Like a boy stabbed, dying of hypovelemia yet you feel no pain on the punctured site.

And I know there are no words that could comfort you now. And how I wish I could send you my hugs right away. But all I can do is to let you feel everything and hope that you'll never let your soul die inside as what I did in the past. Remember that those are just temporary feelings, just like those temporary people who made you feel that way. That those are just temporary fears that you'd soon overcome once you've gain the courage to pass that all through. That you're not lost but only with clouded visions brought by the tears in your eyes. 

I'm not saying that you disregard whatever you're feeling right now. Those are real. But that doesn't mean they're permanent. Yes, they'll last long. But not long enough to prevent you from kicking back up and regain the phase you have in your life. 

If only I could bring you here. So that you'd realize how beautiful your life would have been. How things in the past made sense for this future. The struggle, the hardwork, the perseverance to continue despite the dirt and the mud dragging you down was worth it. 

But for now, do me a favor. Do not give up. I am letting you succumb into your own sadness and drown in your own misery knowing that there's no one else can help you right now, but when that day comes when you felt like you've missed the warmth of laughter and the sweetness of smiles and happiness, grab that chance and free yourself from the despair you've let yourself into you. 

Do not be easily swayed or affected. Stay strong. Life is just a maze waiting to decipehered. Everything will be fine soon. I promise. Believe me. Believe in yourself. 


Sending you my warmest hug and sweetest smile. :)


Love, 
Your Self (from few years in the future). 

Blizzard

It was the silence. The subtlety of the ambience that we had I prefer the most. The comfortable stillness that we portray as if our time just stopped and our moment is being preserved in an ice case. Literally frozen in time. Yet the mumblings that occupy the coffeeshop where we are persisted though we barely noticed it. 

"Do you believe in karma?" I asked, hoping to break the ice. 

"Hmmm. Yes."

"How about in forever? Or best friend? Or heaven?"

"You're overthinking again."

"Hmmm. Maybe." I said. "..but these are the concepts that I wanted to believe but never had enough proof to make me believe that they exist.."

"Forever may or may not exist. But let's try to enjoy what we have right now.."

"Hmmm.. Yeah."

At that point, the fear seeped within upon hearing the phrase I usually throw away when uncertainty of the future is palpable. That the dubiety of our future was laid in front of me. And I let my thoughts coast away, regretting that I made you speak and hear words I never expected to hear.

Then the silence continued in your room filled with monochrome and symmetrical patterns as I watch you move around in circles. I wonder about the thoughts in your mind right now as I stare at the blue sky peeking through your window. The weather was great, and the sun was shining through with the white streaks of clouds across the horizon. Yet the turmoil inside me was condensing into a storm that would soon shake the paradise I once believed true.

You then kissed me goodbye with a relief before we stepped out of the door. I wonder whether such is a good thing or a bad thing that finally, I am on my way to a greater distance again. 

And the beautiful silence I used to listen became the weapon that brought us apart. That your muteness on things which is significant to keep the solid foundation of the mountain we're trying to climb was the reason why we avalanched downwards. Your preference of solitariness and elusion to deal matters on hand may have made you pass through the storm but left a great consequence on the elysium I was trying to reach.


It was silence from the beginning and up until the end. Now you got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose.