i grew up with a perception of life’s total unfairness while being aware of my strengths, weakness and limitations that in the long run became my insecurities. i learned that i am not good enough for some of life’s great things and therefore I tend to settle for anything less. and so as with love.
i grew not knowing anything about love (except for God and Family Love). i only knew it through books, songs, movies and friend’s experiences. but i never felt such.
i was attracted, yes. but the thought of “settling to something less” hindered me to build a relationship at my age. and as i see others being successful in completing our age’s developmental task, my insecurities started to build wall instead of bridges, making me separated and more alone. failed attempts to start a relationship made the wall harder and higher.
(silence)
…its been a while since i built this wall surrounding me. and yes.. i was able to built a perfect wall which can hide my pain, insecurities and humanly characteristics. i became a part of the wall. then i became the wall. solid. hard. numb.
and i felt tired..
one day.. someone came along and tried to climb my wall. Brave heart (BH) wanted to know what’s on the other side. i was attracted with BH’s curiosity and decided to give BH a chance. impatient, BH tried to break the wall instead and drill a hole in it rather than climbing all the way up. and yes.. i let BH see me through. i put my guard down hoping BH would do something about my condition. but after seeing the real persona behind the wall.. BH left.. leaving a hole in the wall i created for years. i felt rejected and used which made the wall of insecurity thicker and higher as it was being rebuilt. and since then, i promised to myself that i wont let my guard down for anyone who wishes to see my soul. in that way i would protect myself form harsh realities i am trying to escape.
and here i am again. curious with a person much better than BH. curious due to the interest and time spent by Humble Heart (HH) on worthless me. HH is a perfect partner. achieved so much with life and still dreaming for the future. but i know HH is not looking for a partner but someone to start a good conversation with.
here’s the catch. HH also wants to see the persona behind the wall… which brings me in a dilemma whether i would bring my guard down again for HH (to see the real me for no good reason) or just let HH stare at the passive wall created by pain, rejection and insecurity.. and wait until that perfect partner leaves and walk away.
tonight i have decided.. i wont break this wall that always protected me. i wont break this wall that served as my escape from painful realities of life. i can’t risk exposing the persona behind the wall.. the soul of a young child, so pure and innocent, happy, confident, brave, humble, giving, loving endlessly and self-lessly. i cant risk it. i just cant.Labels: heart, letting go, relationship