you might be wondering how my mind works. and i told you that you'll even get lost when you tried searching it inside. as you know, i'm continuously bothered by "senseless" thoughts for some time now and you keep comforting me all the time (which i'm very thankful actually.)
i tried to sum it up.. tried to look for the bottom of these things that bothers me every night. and i was able to look for the nearest "possible" answer.
i dont see the prognosis of where we're heading.
the future seems unclear.
when a patient enters into a hospital, the doctor, with the collaboration of nurses, could determine the future outcome of the patient's condition after assessment. in our case.. i dont see any positive or negative outcome of what we have. i dont know why.. maybe because this is my first and i'm still anxious about it.. i dunno. as if i'm walking blind into something while you guiding me in every step.
what i still see is my previous memory that i'll be walking this life alone. others could walk with me. others may fall behind while others pass through me. bottomline, i'd still be alone after some time. don't get me wrong, i love where we are right now, and i love spending my time with you. but it seems that my vision of walking alone gets even more realistic every time i think about it. especially now that i know you'll be leaving some time in the future. and asking others to adopt your pets indicate that that time is getting near. and leaving me is almost a hundred percent sure. that's why i'm afraid to accept one of your pet cause i know it would only remind me of the emotions i dont wish to feel.
you know me. i'm weak in goodbyes. that's why i dont attend funerals and i don't drop somebody to the airport. you already heard me say.. "if you're going to leave.. leave. make sure it would be for good because there's no turning back.". but, in your case, i dont want to say those things to you. i'm scared losing someone like you. you made yourself precious for me to lose.
all i can do now is to watch as the time for you to leave comes. i've been trying to avoid such feeling in goodbyes but i guess, not this time. i hope i could bear that great impact for the first and the last time.
-GLLabels: heart, letting go, life, realization, relationship, self