I put all the blame to my fear of rejection. I grew up in a harsh community where out-casting and social acceptance mattered too much that I ended up having myself as my playmate. Well, my case isn't a worse case of isolation and it's not that too bad, if you ask me, for I had so much time to unravel the labyrinth of my persona and how I developed the way I perceive things as I see it. I have learned not to depend too much on temporary things and temporary people; and not be too much affected with their words. For 22 years, I have just lived. And did things that I thought would be best for me and could make myself and my parents happy.
And that was just the good part.
But because words doesn't have any hold on me anymore, in the long run, I failed to developed my sense of self-confidence. And boosting my ego would no longer have any beneficial effect.. I developed an inferiority complex to people. And I still believe that they could always find someone better then me (e.g job position). I always aim to be on the second platform when in fact I have a chance to be on the top. Trust wasn't easy for me to give. And leaving after having my trust would always mean abandonment. It makes me feel unworthy.
I have never won against this line: "I wasn't and will never be good enough..". It was my fear of rejection that I stopped aiming for something best. for my career. for love. I never dared to risk and bet everything that I have unless I'm sure to hit the pot. And I don't know how to reverse the effects of my harsh childhood but opening up to others doesn't seem a good idea either.
You're lucky enough if you've seen "me". I've let myself to be transparent in this part. So least , you already know where to start.
Labels: life, self