Once when I was a child, I tried to fix my only toy robot made out of lego blocks. I was silently crying. For boys aren't supposed to cry (at least in public).
It was Christmas eve when some relatives came to celebrate with us. A younger cousin throws out tantrums across the dinning room for he wanted to play with the robot I made. My mother told me, "Ipahiram mo na kuya." though we are almost just in the same preschool age.
Knowing my cousin's nature with toys, I hesitantly, but personally, handed my toy to him. I looked directly at his eyes with the silent plead of "please take care of it" as he looked back into mine..
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I started looking for the lego blocks shattered on the floor of our living room. I tried not to let my tears flow as I look under the sofa of the parts which was supposed to be my robot's arm. After sweeping the room with my small palms, now covered with dust and lego blocks, I silently walked into my room and placed the pieces in front of me. Blocks by blocks, I tried putting the lego parts back together as what my young memory suggests, which at the moment was already clouded with tears and silence.
I was able to make a robot. But not as great as before. Some blocks missing on its parts, Some have cracks. Some are broken. Indeed, it was an ugly robot. Can't stand on its own. With noticeable missing parts. Made with broken blocks of lego.
I stared at my toy silently as I wipe the continuous flow of tears coming from my eyes. It is ugly. But it's the only toy robot that I had.
I guess from then on, I never trusted anyone with something too valuable. Something that's too precious to break. I kept it in a place where no one has ever seen it so no one would want it.
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And voilà. A deja vu. As if my mother told me to give it to someone, because I'm getting old. Because I know better. As if I understand better. As if I know better how to give. But despite of all hesitations, I still did.
Now I had it back. With some scratches and some cracks. With some fragments shattered on the floor. With the old dust turned to mud by the tears left on the track.
But it's still functioning. Though it wasn't that perfect like before, I'm still good with it. Because it's the only thing I have. Just like my robot.
"Let them go, let them fly, holding back, won't turn back time..~"
Happy Birthday Lei.Labels: heart, life, self