I am staring at the ceiling covering the empty halls of Newport Mall. The smoke I puffed from this menthol stick evaporates quickly into thin air. The walls designed to their magnificence seemed to look down at me as the songs inside Republiq echoed in the wind. I was tired at the usual crowd that I rather be left alone and stare blankly.
"You're not scared of me are you?" You asked one time.
"I fear that I am capable of giving you the ability to break me. It excites me actually. And at the same time scares me." I answered back.
Then you said, "Now why would I break you? Maybe you could break me before I break you"
"It's not in my nature to break but to fix." I defended.
"Well you won't have to fix me.."
"I know. You're perfectly fine."
My palms tremble at the thoughts you've left behind. I imagine your presence lingering on the house music thumping the great interiors of the place. I imagine your smile and laughter echoing in my non-existent world of us.
"Do you need me to fix you?"
The concern in your voice was still palpable and tasteful. It stayed on my lips like the bitter-sweet cold liqour I had.
"I am not broken.."
And I wasn't sure if you heard me say "yet" but it was audible in my mind. I thought that was the best answer I could give. Though I'm not sure if I really wasn't.
But above anything else, I was sure of something. That I will be broken soon enough if I continue pushing this with you. That I know everything is bound to end as I see it.
But I still did. Continued to push it through. Until the euphoria of your voice consumed me.
Soon enough, it ended just like what I've thought. But I never thought of the depth of the wound you've inflicted on me after you left. So deep I came crashing down from the peak of happiness you once brought me into.
And I'm longing for you more. And I visit the places you've been with. Hoping that your presence lingered more to satisfy my jones for you. I tried meeting the people you've met with. Tried talking to those you've talked to. Hoping that their fragmented memory of you would bring you back to me.
Eventhough how much I tried to, I know you'll never going back. I was bargaining my way towards depression.
Now you're not here to ask me if I need some fixin'. And I wasn't even sure if I am damaged beyond repair.
Labels: heart, letting go, life, relationship