It was the silence. The subtlety of the ambience that we had I prefer the most. The comfortable stillness that we portray as if our time just stopped and our moment is being preserved in an ice case. Literally frozen in time. Yet the mumblings that occupy the coffeeshop where we are persisted though we barely noticed it.
"Do you believe in karma?" I asked, hoping to break the ice.
"Hmmm. Yes."
"How about in forever? Or best friend? Or heaven?"
"You're overthinking again."
"Hmmm. Maybe." I said. "..but these are the concepts that I wanted to believe but never had enough proof to make me believe that they exist.."
"Forever may or may not exist. But let's try to enjoy what we have right now.."
"Hmmm.. Yeah."
At that point, the fear seeped within upon hearing the phrase I usually throw away when uncertainty of the future is palpable. That the dubiety of our future was laid in front of me. And I let my thoughts coast away, regretting that I made you speak and hear words I never expected to hear.
Then the silence continued in your room filled with monochrome and symmetrical patterns as I watch you move around in circles. I wonder about the thoughts in your mind right now as I stare at the blue sky peeking through your window. The weather was great, and the sun was shining through with the white streaks of clouds across the horizon. Yet the turmoil inside me was condensing into a storm that would soon shake the paradise I once believed true.
You then kissed me goodbye with a relief before we stepped out of the door. I wonder whether such is a good thing or a bad thing that finally, I am on my way to a greater distance again.
And the beautiful silence I used to listen became the weapon that brought us apart. That your muteness on things which is significant to keep the solid foundation of the mountain we're trying to climb was the reason why we avalanched downwards. Your preference of solitariness and elusion to deal matters on hand may have made you pass through the storm but left a great consequence on the elysium I was trying to reach.
It was silence from the beginning and up until the end. Now you got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose.
Labels: heart, letting go, relationship, self