Dysphoria

I can't remember how long I've been here. They brought me here for reasons too shallow to be considered. They say I stopped eating for days. It wasn't much a surprise for me to lose my appetite. I am already full of emotions building inside me, heavy enough to suppress it. They say I stopped talking to anyone. Yet in my mind, I have thoughts echoing and rolling like thunder. I just don't let them out. They said they've seen me crying for no reason. I say, I cry for reasons they do not know. 

It was summer. I am watching the last sunset of the summer solstice. I feel the warm wind blowing on my face. And the scent of the sea fills my lungs. The waves hushing low below me. I am sitting at the rock formation caved and formed by the thousand rages of the sea. Yellow and orange hues competes at the sky canvass. 

Do you know that feeling? When something beautiful is in front of your face, but you felt like it's leaving you behind? And you have to wait and bear the cold dark night unsure whether you'll witness such magnificence again?

I feel that. All the time. Waiting for that person. Who never came but already left me behind. Now I'm stuck with the agony of waiting in vain, for a hopeless love brewed and could be rotten in time. And I'm holding on with my sunset's words of "wait for me.." not sure whether such return would bring me to a new sunrise or another sad goodbye remarked on a sunset by the sea; all of this as I clamor myself in the darkest of the night looking at the stars. 

I never noticed the years passed ever since. But I remember everything especially when the sun starts to set. When its rays pass through my car window as I drive the long urban road, or when it shines through my glass-walled office. I remember as I watch at the peak of the mountains, or at the calming seas. I would stop and leave this world and swim on my thoughts of me and my future stuck in the past. And let the tears run dry by the sun. 

They say I'm crazy, and I need to be cured.

I'm not crazy. 


I'm broken. But I don't need to be fixed.

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