Psycho

First post I made for my current institution; why I wanted to but can't just easily leave despite being unhappy.

"I'm starting to notice the growing number of moments when I question where I am as of the moment. Whether I am supposed to be where I should be. And if I am, why am I not feeling happy. 

To determine such, I have found myself looking back to the roots of my dreams. And found a (my) heart aimed to serve. A passion rooted at home, nurtured by a profession, but tested in an institution.

An institution founded, managed, and sustained by determined individuals, whose visions and dreams are greater than own-self. Whose desires too strong to discern that thin line of right and wrong. With a workforce emboldened by their own passion yet pushed by lucre provisioned with control by those seated at the higher hierarchy. With varying personalities placed in a stressful working environment, one can easily see the darkness of each identity. Where one oppresses the other to reach a higher ground; where one questions another's ability just for the sake of feeding an almost depleted ego; where one engage in dirty politics to win favor of those with power mismanaged and used for personal gain; where people challenges your knowledge, your skills and your right to be where you are. 

These are just some of those I encounter each day. And despite the tasks placed on my shoulders, I never settled to other people's judgment whether I am worthy to be in a place like this based on whether I was able to do what they've asked me to do or not.

Yes, it indeed is an honor to be accepted to a place where the knowledge gained through years of studies be applied; and conclude that written papers and thick books doesn't encompass the learnings acquired during these daily experiences

But there are just days like this I even question myself, my ability, and sometimes, my sanity. 

I am already tired.

But I am still holding on to that one single passion I started with. Far more important than the monetary gains I could have. Far more important than those travels I could have made to feed my wanderlust.

I am holding on to my place with a strength derived from a belief that I am making a (good) difference to the lives I encounter each day I stayed in this institution. And quitting, though possible, isn't quite the right choice because I have wanted and waited for this spot, for this chance; unlike those who got their spot like a graduation package. I've been giving my best each day even though it seems that it isn't always enough.

I know that I am not the only one who's been swimming in the sea of mediocrity. And I know that soon, these creatures will rise above the surface and let the glory of excellence shined by the sun bathe their fins. Because one's strength as a nurse (doctor, medical technologist, pharmacist, social worker, other members of the health care team) isn't and couldn't just be determined by a grade, or a shift, or a task. 

As long as we have that passion to serve, with the guidance of the Great One, we will find that inner strength we need that hopefully would lead us to that moment of contentment and pure happiness.

I am tired. But I still believe."

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