I blended well but can't identify myself with the crowd. I was hazy, they were sharp. Yet I cast shadows formed by the lights against my back. But I feel invisible. I immaterialize quickly as another wave of feelings surge from within. I felt it spreading from my gut. To my lungs. To my extremities. I shiver from the coldness that suddenly wrapped the insides of my skin. But I superficially perspire as I struggle to move ahead despite the heaviness of the earth reaching for my back.
I wanna let go. Fall back flat. Slowly towards the open soil and let the heat of the earth incubate the pain I had six feet below. Return to the safe haven of an unborn fetus comforted by that strong maternal protection.
And I would immediately let go and forget holding on. Let my fingers and limbs coil and flex within. Let my body necrotize like an abandoned cannister as my soul seek of freedom deprived by the living but can be granted by death. I will forget who I was and the reason for living. Until my heart halts beating and I would no longer feel anything. Everything will eventually turn dark and I would stop seeing the memories of the past and the pain of the present. And the flowing tears soon would end.
They said hearing would be the last among the senses to be lost once the death came to fetch. How perfect it is that the last good byes and farewell bids would still find their way to you. But no words can undo what has been done, no declaration of love and begging of forgiveness could return what is lost. Everything would no long matter.
In the end, you return to nothingness.
Labels: heart, life, self