Phobia

I once glanced at you during that time when we thought we were free. You stared too long at the fine glass table throwing your reflection back at you, which you didn't even noticed. Your mind was full of thoughts and seeing them all would be like a sightseer in the middle of the dessert facing a deadly sandstorm. Dark. Deep. Dangerous. 

I brought you back to reality with a tap. I smiled and looked through your eyes. You smiled back and that's the moment when everything changed. The sun suddenly turned dark, and the wind stopped blowing, and everything seemed to pace from slow to a stop. The world seemed to halt as I started to feel fear from within. You've made me felt a familiar feeling. A sensation I had before that made me seek escape and runaway. And it felt like I've been trapped on a time loop. That the things I've been trying to forget started happening all over again. A single look in your eyes made me feel that I've been staring at the same person who caused me so much hurt and trouble in the past. Someone who awakened and trained the tamed devil inside me. I shivered at the thought as the imagery of the past started to flash in front of me. The struggle, the fear, the anxiety, and the anger in which I've been trying to bury haunted me again by that single flash of smile. 

I can't say whether I triggered my phobia (which I wasn't sure if I already had) after encountering the experience but I was bothered so much that I binged sleeping. 

But not for long. For the escape I seek in my sleep was conquered by the fears taking their form into living nightmares, making me more exhausted upon waking up than prior going to bed. I am struggling to have the rest I need without letting the torment steal my sanity.

So I have to take a step back. To a hole. Six feet below. And be dead for me to be again alive.