Stuttering: Grim

It's been a while since I've seen death. I have tried to avoid such visitor during the hours of my shift, or if possible, during the years that I've been and will be practicing my craft. But this time, I have seen him coming and coasting on the empty beds and long hallways of my workplace. I have felt him through those piercing eyes which I hardly tried to avoid whenever I check my patient's carotid pulse for fair bounding of a heart beat. I heard him through the wails and quiet shrieks of the relatives after the time of death is announced. And it's hard to sympathize while being empathic whenever you try to comfort those who are left behind.

I excused myself from the grieving loved ones and tried to perform the last intervention one should do when death arrives: Post Mortem Care.

As I deflate the water balloon anchor of her foley catheter, I wonder whether the current practice was discussed during college. If it was, I should've remembered them by fear and by heart accompanied by a cringe within.

I pulled her foley catheter slowly as if she would still feel pain just like the first time it was inserted. I have also used the same technique when I pulled her nasogastric tube out of her nose. The tube which used to provide almost adequate nutrition to her dying canister. A tube that was once clear, now stained green and dark. The other catheters inserted to her (intravenous catheters, intra-jugular catheters) are also removed. With the stiches cut, one should press hard enough at the punctured site so her blood would not ooze and drip.

I deflated the air cuff that anchors her endotracheal tube. The tube inserted to her mouth down to her lung airway. It is what provided her the deprived air that we breathe freely. You should've known how it felt to pull that tube slowly out. The resistance and the griting feeling of the tube against the spastic trachea. Amongst all the tube that I needed to pull out, it was with the endotracheal tube I felt the most dreaded feeling.

I covered the cadaver using a white linen. The folds, tucks and tugs serve their purpose while respecting the "art" of its execution. Three ties made of IV tubings are placed to prevent the cadaver from being exposed during transport to the morgue. One is tied to the lower leg. The second one is tied to the torso. And the last one is tied to the neck. After doing so, that's the time I saw death already looking back at me. His kinder look on a sheet of white presented in front of me. An imagery that for sure would haunt me for days.